My Bidet Experience

WARNING: not for the faint of heart..... or bowels! haha

i dont know how many of you out there know what a bidet is (pronounced bi-day), and i didnt either until a couple weeks ago when my roomate asked if he could install one on our toilet downstairs. his text was funny: "dear garlan, would you be pissed if i installed a bidet downstairs immediately? its impossible to put one in upstairs. love fish." i had no idea what it was or how it worked, but i was inclined to acquiesce his request. before i go any further, allow me to explain how it works so you know what i'm talking about.

a bidet is a little nozzle or handle that sticks out from a toilet which squirts water onto your bum after you do your business (#2 of course). its like taking a shower but one thats totally confined to your cheeks instead of your whole body. is sprays up water, thus flushing out the nasty stuff and decreasing the need for toilet paper. very ingenious concept, which i guess other countries are quite the proponent for. us americans are lagging "behind" to incorporate this device into our bathrooms. nevertheless, i digress.

so you use this little handle and it uses the water pressure to spray "up there." upon hearing this, like most other rational people in this nation, i decidedly decided against the use of such an intruding contraption. i'll admit, i was straight scared to even try it! but after talking with my roomates and hearing them rave about bidets and how much cleaner they are and the money you can save on tp and all this and that, i tried to build up my courage to trust myself to this thing that could potentially harm me in ways i dont want to discuss. he told me to check the water pressure first b/c it was very strong. (great tid-bit to throw in there).

well first things first i need to do that b/c the last thing i want is to be blasted by a fire-hydrent while i'm trying to take care of business. and its a good thing i checked first cause i turned it on and it shot up all the way to the ceiling! that could of been me!! so i figure it out, say a prayer, do my doo, and close my eyes as i turn the knob to turn on the pressure that will soon clean me. or thats the idea.

WOW! what a strange sensation that was! i cant tell you how awkward i felt. i didnt know whether to laugh, cry, or call my bishop. never mind you the temperature of this water. it made me numb! i'm trying to wipe (old habits die fast) but i couldnt feel what i was doing. who knows if i completed the job. but dont worry, i timed my usage of this initial bidet experience for when i would be showering right afterwards.

ahhhhh, warm water..... feeling back...... urge to walk bow-leggedly rapidly vanishing...

but listen to me people. i think i'm converted. yes, i can hardly believe it myself. i've had the same routine for many a year now, and to just up and leave it all for something that feels so wrong at first.... well so be it. no more embarrassment of buying the crate-sized angel soft tp at wal-mart. the bidet works! it really does! after having used it a few more times since then, i have to say that i recommend it (every person should try it at least once in their life for comedic purposes if nothing else).

so after i put my stamp of approval on it i had to show some girls in my ward what wonders it could do. after ward prayer i showed it to one of them, trying to demonstrate how it works. i even said, "i hope i get this right. i cant remember how the pressure works." (thinking back on how disastrous my first attempt at figuring it out was). sure enough, i blast the water up to the ceiling again. luckily its clean water cause i'm pretty sure some got on her, and me. (haha, and i wonder why i'm not married- "here, let me show you our bathroom and talk about taking poo's and then splash water on you. great, lets go out this weekend!").

anyways, i apologize for the length of this. i know its a lot to read. but i wanted to try and portray this whole experience as accurately as possible. the point of it all is this: if you want to feel clean and refreshed after your #2's, invest in one of these and you'll walk away (or more of a shuffle after the first time) feeling like...... well i dont know how to describe it b/c its a weird feeling, i'm not gonna lie.

sidenote: i guess there are towels people use afterwards instead of tp, so i joked that now we could install one of those rotating machines (like you see in some public restrooms, the paper towels people use and reuse. very unhygenic) only with towels and reuse those! haha, i know. very gross